Everybody is always chatting about “hold on while I download a recording of this now-extinct tribe in Uzbejisatktjean-ban singing a prayer to the fish gods” and “I don’t listen to the radio because I don’t have a car,” but I personally drive constantly and I always always always listen to the radio, specifically to Jammin 107.5, which is Portland’s Party Station. Jammin is great for parties you want people to leave quickly, because they only play 10 songs, and they only rotate them once a year. It is similar to having a very small iPod, full of 10 songs with no “skip” option and lots and lots of commercials for CreditYes.com.
1. What’s My Name by Rihanna feat. Drake. This is a duet in the style of “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off” as sung by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers in the celebrated 1937 film Shall We Dance. The basic premise is that Rihanna is looking for a man who will “go downtown” with her. Drake is like “I will do that in 20 minutes, babe. Truly, I come alive in the night time.” Ultimately this song is about Alzheimers. Does she ever remember her name? Does he ever tell her? Etc.
2. Bottoms Up by Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj. Never sure whether the “bottoms” in question are the bottoms of the dranks that are making the women Trey is singing about “go alcohol insane” or whether he is talking about their literal bottoms. Nicki Minaj uses her rap interlude to get girl positive:
If a bitch try to get cute
Imma sock her
Throw a lotta money at her then yell fucka, fucka, fucka
Then yell fucka.
I guess that if Nicki Minaj was throwing $$ at me and yelling “fucka,” I would be scared, but also rich.
3. Raise Your Glass by Pink. I read in the NY Times that this song is about gay rights, but I think that the NY Times might be confusing “having a short haircut” for “being a lesbian.”
4. Only Just a Dream by Nelly. This is a song about when your shorty and wife replaces you with another man, and you are all, “I guess that was just a dream, my whole marriage and everything, but ‘just a dream’ is only 3 syllables, and I wrote this wack hook that needs 5 syllables, so I guess I’ll add the word ‘only’ even though saying something is both ‘only’ and ‘just’ a dream is pretty repetitive, and I’m also too lazy to write a bridge, so I’m just going to ask everybody in the club who’s ever loved somebody to ‘put your hands up’ for a few bars.” Also, Nelly invented Apple Bottom Jeans, which you might remember from the 2009 song by T-Pain, “Apple Bottom Jeans.”
So many apples\bottoms.
5. Like a G6 by Far East Movement. This song is good. A G6 is an airplane, and if you are “fly like a G6″ it means that you are getting so, so slizzard. I watched some YouTube videos of people dancing to this song, and I think that if you can’t breakdance, your best bet when it is playing is to just relax with an enormous cigar and nod at people like you could buy them.
6. Love the Way You Lie by Eminem feat. Rihanna. Beating your wife=romantic. I am looking forward to 2011, when Eminem and Chris Brown will finally open their long awaited battered women’s shelter.
7. Whip My Hair by Willow Smith. This song is by a 10-year-old, and it’s about when you don’t want to clean your room. It’s also about inclusivity, b/cuz you can whip your hair back and forth, “don’t matter if it’s long, short. “ I noticed that Willow Smith’s hair is both long, and short.
8. Toot It and Boot It by YG. The plot of this song is that YG goes to the club and finds a fly girl, and he’s like, “Girl let me toot that boot that stop actin’ stupid.” And she’s like “What are you talking about? What does that even mean?” So she takes her iPhone into the bathroom, and she googles the lyrics to “Toot It and Boot It,” and then she’s like, “Oh, that is rude.”
9. How Low by Ludacris. This song asks a question older than rap music itself: How low can you go? The answer: “lower than yo mama’s ever seen in her lifetime.” Notable product placement in this song: Reese’s Pieces, and something called “butter-rican pecans.”
10. Hello Good Morning by Diddy – Dirty Money feat T.I and Rick Ross. I think that Nicki Minaj might also be featured on this song. Also, my mom calls P.Diddy “P.Diddly.”
Please go to 1:34 to see Justin Bieber “swag walk.”