Squirrels: Menace, or chill?

16 Dec

Today I would like to share some facts about squirrels, all of which I obtained in one of the following ways:

1. Google

2. There is a squirrel in my attic.

Now, there are many and various challenges of living in a hip and thriving city (overpriced coffee beans, stroller dads, white guilt), but I had not previously known about squirrels as a potential obstacle which I would have to overcome in my interesting and emotionally wrought life.

For the last couple of days, my roommates and I have been hearing a weird sound in the walls. Like a scratchy or move-y sound, kind of like a homeless dude was digging through our walls for cans, which we knew was silly because we keep our cans in a cardboard box inside the house, not inside the walls. I was pretty sure that it was a ghost (friendly, obv) or some kind of rat. It turns out that it was a squirrel, and also that squirrels are not “some kind of rat,” but in fact their own unique breed of species. Huh.

So the big question is: What’s up with squirrels? Are they cute? Should we befriend it and bring it little nuts and things? Or are squirrels a menace, to be exterminated?

I did a little google-imaging (which I have linked to in the sidebar for those “not in the know”), and here are my findings about squirrels:

This seems like a pretty cool squirrel, kind of a chiller. If our squirrel is like this, I think it would be nice to have it in the attic, strumming the ukulele or whatever. Maybe this squirrel could even be taught to play other instruments, and could join one of the many bands\experimental projects around town. It would be socially valuable for my roommates and I to be associated with this squirrel.

This squirrel has a boozoka. While I totally support the coming Apocalypse, and movies\graphic novel inspired by this future moment in history, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have guns in the home. I’ve been pretty affected by these public service announcements, so I’m going to have to say that, at least for the moment, that I am not OK with a squirrel like this in our attic.

Wow, squirrels are really sharp dressers. I am learning so many facts about squirrels today. I really, really really hope that our squirrel is wearing a similar outfit to this one. If so, I am definitely pro-squirrel.

I am nervous about sexual harassment at the hands\paws of this squirrel.

OK guys, have you had any experiences with being roommates with squirrels? Was it ever tense when they left little nutshells around?

Please note that this blog has an automatic non-discriminatory sensor in the comments section; please do not write anything inflammatory (i.e. a “flame war”) about squirrels that you do not actually know.


5 Responses to “Squirrels: Menace, or chill?”

  1. Enish Froon December 16, 2009 at 1:10 pm #

    Ah, well, it’s a little known fact that I dabble as an amateur squirrelologist and part time pundit on squirrel related issues for OPB, CNN and MSNBC.

    By far the most egregious squirrel related problem for the erstwhile portland socialite is the squirrel’s penchant for cheap, primarily domestic, alcohol as exemplified by these slides I have here:




    http://www.macstaxidermy.com/032009/squirrel%20beer.jpg (where it is true that this one is taxidermied it’s worth noting that the squirrel actually died in that position).


    In a vane attempt to raise the standards of social acceptability, a team of Norwegian scientists experimented with refining the tastes of our domestically inclined friends..


    but to little avail…

    http://www.hilarious.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/drunk-squirrel.jpg (the unfunny side of import excess).

    The moral of this (excessively long) diatribe? So long as you keep your PBR under lock and key, you should be fine. …

  2. kenya December 17, 2009 at 9:38 pm #

    A couple years ago my neighbor rescued a squirrel that had been hit by a car, nursed it back to health and then released it into the wilds of the Alberta Arts district. The squirrel, comfortable with being fed by humans, began aggressively demanding food from any and every person it encountered. There is something unsettling about a squirrel that is willing to jump on the shoulder, back, or head of a person innocently leaving their home. I sprinted to the gate every time I left the house and back to the front door when returning home.
    In the end the squirrel bit four neighbors, including Seth, before it was “taken to California”.

  3. deeduh December 23, 2009 at 11:06 pm #

    oh just two things:
    the squirrel’s instrument is A BANJO and i believed the squirrel’s weapon is, in actuality, A BAZOOKA duh LIKE THE GUM.


  4. allthingsace January 22, 2010 at 9:08 am #

    I currently have something living in my attic which my roommate contends is a squirrel. However, the squirrel’s loud and rompus movements make me think otherwise. For example, when I try to sit quietly beneath on of the eves in our tidy third floor apartment it is IMPOSSIBLE. It sounds like thunder balls are bouncing from floor to ceiling and then concussing and rolling limply across ground.

    So my question is: Is this what your squirrel sounds like?

    • midgeblogs February 4, 2010 at 5:11 pm #

      Squirrels are just incredibly noisy. They can’t help it, nor can they hear it, because of their tiny ears. My guess is that your squirrel is feeling anxious about winter weight; they are notorious for putting on the pounds this time of year, which is evolutionarily reasonable but no longer necessary, due to that squirrels now live indoors. They feel fat, they run around and make sounds like bouncing elements, they feel a little better and eat another walnut, repeat, etc.

      So, yes.

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