Letters to Midge: December 2009

30 Dec

Hey everybody. It’s “that time of the month,” when, as you all know, we at Horse Facts like to put on our tiger-print PJ bottoms, get a nice bowl of Snickers ice cream going, and answer some fan mail! Please know that if I don’t print your question, it’s because I am psychically transmitting you the correct answer. There will be a sign.

Dear Midge,

You are so incredibly attractive, like Robert Downey Jr., only a lady. Why are you single? It is crazy to me. The world is crazy. I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. What should I do?


Christian Bale

Dear Christian: Believe me, I know. The world can get really crazy. Sometimes I wonder about the same question that you’ve posed. I noticed on the internet that you are married, and have a small child. We are different, Christian. You are rich and famous. I am young and beautiful. I think that you should stop hanging around outside of my house. Go home to your wife, Christian. There is no “us.”

Dear Midge,

What is your opinion about when you go to the coffee shop and they forget about your bagel?

Just Curious

Dear “Just Curious”: I am really glad that you asked that question. I have been going to my same local coffee shop since before my neighborhood was even all the way gentrified, and support their business by buying dollar cups of coffee and hanging out for many, many hours, just chatting with other regulars\on my cell phone and discreetly surfing the net on my iPod Touch. I always wear a good outfit, and I like to think that I make the the place feel more “scene.” So when they forgot about my bagel yesterday it was incredibly wack. It made me feel like I was an annoying regular, rather than one who they appreciate and think of as family, which is what I am. Do you think that I should write them a letter, just kind of suggesting that they “up” their customer service skills? It’s only because I’m worried for them, and next time they might offend someone less understanding, is all.

Dear Midge,

I look up to you a lot, and some day I would like to be as much like you as possible. How can I also become a professional Blogger? Right now I am an unemployed graduate student who receives government assistance in order to buy groceries.  Do I have “what it takes”?

Future Midge

Dear “Midge”: It sounds like you are completely on the right track. Being a Blogger is a lucrative and rewarding career, but it is not without pitfalls and hurdles that you have to coast through. Recently I invited a group of elementary school students to take a field trip to Horse Facts HQ, and they asked a lot of questions and were kind of rude about my outfit. In the future I will not  let them drink beer. They even started heckling Christian Bale, who was just minding his own business as usual standing on top of the compost bin with a pair of binoculars. What I’m getting it is, either you have it or you don’t. I wish I could say something more encouraging, but nobody handed me where I am in life. I had to eat my way to the top like everybody else who didn’t get eaten. I was in the shit. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you.

Well, that’s it for the December Edition of Horse Facts. This has been really fun.


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