Tweens: Literally are the Future

8 Feb

As 30-somethings have become the new 20-somethings, and 20-somethings have become the new awkward tweens, so too have tweens become the new Age We’re All Going For, aka the “Target Age.” They have really low body fat, in general, and they are able to maintain very casual attitudes because they are always allowing for the possibility during times of adversity that they are actually just being “punked.”

A general skim of some things on the internet tells me that tweens take “study drugs” in order to be productive. Rather than sneaking off to smoke weed-pot or accidentally get pregnant, current tweens reject drugs that make them stupid in favor of drugs that make them smart.


In the name of tween research, I decided to “8” one half of an Adderall, a popular study drug. Because I am elderly, it was a real “shock to my system” and I ended up mentally copyediting the lyrics to “Sexy Bitch feat. Akon by David Guetta” until 5 in the morning, and then sleeping 18+ hours the next day, while tweens ’round the globe spent 24 consecutive hours cataloging their entire wardrobes for lookbook.nu and planning all-ages experimental multi-media experience parties via gChats with their 900+ Facebook friends.

Thanks to drugs, tweens are able to maintain social networking presences at a level that my sub-generation had to create “indie music\sensibilities” in order to credibly avoid.

Here is a video of some fairly wack tweens with middle-parts\outdated bangs being analyzed by a therapist. I’m a little confused by the style choices some of these tweens are making, so I’m assuming they are Midwestern or Pennsylvania Dutch:

I do relate to these tweens on a few various levels. As I often blog about, I have found that even at my advanced, post-undergraduate age, I sometimes face peer pressure or am given a bad haircut by my mom, which I don’t even realize is bad because I am only a tween. I also have never had a boyfriend as the result of “waiting until highschool,” which clearly translates to “never get asked out because of my headband.”

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P.S. Remember that documentary Streetwise that was retroactively sponsored by Vice Magazine\American Apparel through visual reference? Now those were tweens I could aspire to become more similar to, despite their dubious professional lives:

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3 Responses to “Tweens: Literally are the Future”

  1. deeduh February 9, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

    in the vein of precocious (pre)tweens: a 5 year old girl in the ballet class for which i was subbing yesterday asked me to tuck in the drawstrings on her shoes which i did as she sighed deeply, looked down at me and said “it’s always SOMETHING, isn’t it?”

    also: the longhair who gets high with that boychik at 1:12 looks, duh, like jade.

  2. pony February 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm #

    WHY IS JADE GETTING HIGH WITH THAT LIL KID???

  3. pony February 11, 2010 at 5:38 pm #

    and…”sunglasses” aren’t “clothes”…and even if they were, 8-yr-olds are DEFINITELY too young to be wearing them. Far too suggestive.

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