1) The Mayan calendar will run out. This will cause drama because the Mayans are extinct, so there is nobody to make a new calendar. Urban Outfitters will make one, which will be fine, but it will also be more stylish/expensive/poorly made than the original/than it looks in the online catalog.
2) The already-thriving black market Energy Malt Beverage Community will finally be recognized and allowed to get married or whatever. I will be able to drink Four Loko openly, without everybody trying to steal it from me/telling me I am too drunk to ride my skateboard home. Also, I will finally get a skateboard.
3) Lady Gaga, something something.
4) Everybody’s dad will get a reality TV show. My dad’s reality TV show will be called, “Hey, Dad!” and it will be about yard ornamentation and jokes that I have already heard earlier today and how much more convenient everything is now that we have an iPad. There will be cameos by notable dads, like Grandfather Time and George Forman.
5) Everyone will have at least one birthday, causing major drain on world cake supply. Resulting miscommunication will lead the band Cake to reunite. Everybody will be all, “You should really rename your band into something more gluten free.” And they will rename themselves The Quinoa Flour Biscuits, and then everybody will be all, “That doesn’t taste good, and p.s. everybody is sick of jokes about gluten freedom on your blog, at this point.” And I will be all, “Whatever, I still think it’s funny.” And Cake will be all, “Where were they going/without ever knowing/the way?” And everybody will be all, “That song is by the band ‘Fastball,’ actually, it just sounds like a Cake song.” And I will be all, “Whatever, get your own blog,” but the only people who have blogs anymore will be spam robots and dads.
6) A new article of clothing called “sporks.” It will not be flattering to your body shape, but you will wear it anyway because it’s biodegradable, and kind of sharp.