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Predictions For 2012: Early

17 May

1) The Mayan calendar will run out. This will cause drama because the Mayans are extinct, so there is nobody to make a new calendar. Urban Outfitters will make one, which will be fine, but it will also be more stylish/expensive/poorly made than the original/than it looks in the online catalog.

2) The already-thriving black market Energy Malt Beverage Community will finally be recognized and allowed to get married or whatever. I will be able to drink Four Loko openly, without everybody trying to steal it from me/telling me I am too drunk to ride my skateboard home. Also, I will finally get a skateboard.

3) Lady Gaga, something something.

4) Everybody’s dad will get a reality TV show. My dad’s reality TV show will be called, “Hey, Dad!” and it will be about yard ornamentation and jokes that I have already heard earlier today and how much more convenient everything is now that we have an iPad. There will be cameos by notable dads, like Grandfather Time and George Forman.

5) Everyone will have at least one birthday, causing major drain on world cake supply. Resulting miscommunication will lead the band Cake to reunite. Everybody will be all, “You should really rename your band into something more gluten free.” And they will rename themselves The Quinoa Flour Biscuits, and then everybody will be all, “That doesn’t taste good, and p.s. everybody is sick of jokes about gluten freedom on your blog, at this point.” And I will be all, “Whatever, I still think it’s funny.” And Cake will be all, “Where were they going/without ever knowing/the way?” And everybody will be all, “That song is by the band ‘Fastball,’ actually, it just sounds like a Cake song.” And I will be all, “Whatever, get your own blog,” but the only people who have blogs anymore will be spam robots and dads.

6) A new article of clothing called “sporks.” It will not be flattering to your body shape, but you will wear it anyway because it’s biodegradable, and kind of sharp.


Trends in Fashion Summer 2011

11 Mar

Trend #1: Banglessness. I am thinking about growing my bangs out, even at risk of revealing my way noble brow/enormous forehead. My feeling is that bangs represented a more innocent, pre-Obama time in American History, whereas now that we are all too po’ to get our bangs trimmed regularly.

This summer is going to be all about foreheads, and abs.

Trend #2: I can’t think of any other fashion trends right now. I guess I would like to predict that bangs come back in for fall 2011.

Trend #3: “Post-racist-racist” cultural appropriation. Instead of getting all offended about the kind of outfits you see when you enter keywords like “ethnic” or “poncho” into Etsy, in Summer 2011 we will all just chill and get our bangs trimmed, if that’s the most flattering thing to our face shape. And wear tribal ponchos without everyone being all “That seems like an unintentionally ironic statement about smallpox blankets.”

Trend #4: Pajama Jeans. I saw an infomercial about these while I was at the gym, working on my abs. At first I was like, “Why would I want pajamas that look like jeans?” But then I thought of like a hundred scenarios in which that would come in handy. For example: If your house is on fire, and you run outside, ordinarily everyone is all “Hahaha! Your pajamas are hilarious! How embarrassing!” But with Pajama Jeans, the joke would be on them.

2010 “Rap” Up: My Thoughts and Feelings

15 Dec

Everybody is always chatting about “hold on while I download a recording of this now-extinct tribe in Uzbejisatktjean-ban singing a prayer to the fish gods” and “I don’t listen to the radio because I don’t have a car,” but I personally drive constantly and I always always always listen to the radio, specifically to Jammin 107.5, which is Portland’s Party Station. Jammin is great for parties you want people to leave quickly, because they only play 10 songs, and they only rotate them once a year. It is similar to having a very small iPod, full of 10 songs with no “skip” option and lots and lots of commercials for

1. What’s My Name by Rihanna feat. Drake. This is a duet in the style of “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off” as sung by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers  in the celebrated 1937 film Shall We Dance. The basic premise is that Rihanna is looking for a man who will “go downtown” with her. Drake is like “I will do that in 20 minutes, babe. Truly, I come alive in the night time.” Ultimately this song is about Alzheimers. Does she ever remember her name? Does he ever tell her? Etc.

2. Bottoms Up by Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj. Never sure whether the “bottoms” in question are the bottoms of the dranks that are making the women Trey is singing about “go alcohol insane” or whether he is talking about their literal bottoms. Nicki Minaj uses her rap interlude to get girl positive:

If a bitch try to get cute
Imma sock her
Throw a lotta money at her then yell fucka, fucka, fucka
Then yell fucka

I guess that if Nicki Minaj was throwing $$ at me and yelling “fucka,” I would be scared, but also rich.

3. Raise Your Glass by Pink.  I read in the NY Times that this song is about gay rights, but I think that the NY Times might be confusing “having a short haircut” for “being a lesbian.”

4. Only Just a Dream by Nelly. This is a song about when your shorty and wife replaces you with another man, and you are all, “I guess that was just a dream, my whole marriage and everything, but ‘just a dream’ is only 3 syllables, and I wrote this wack hook that needs 5 syllables, so I guess I’ll add the word ‘only’ even though saying something is both ‘only’ and ‘just’ a dream is pretty repetitive, and I’m also too lazy to write a bridge, so I’m just going to ask everybody in the club who’s ever loved somebody to ‘put your hands up’ for a few bars.” Also, Nelly invented Apple Bottom Jeans, which you might remember from the 2009 song by T-Pain, “Apple Bottom Jeans.”

So many apples\bottoms.

5. Like a G6 by Far East Movement. This song is good. A G6 is an airplane, and if you are “fly like a G6” it means that you are getting so, so slizzard. I watched some YouTube videos of people dancing to this song, and I think that if you can’t breakdance, your best bet when it is playing is to just relax with an enormous cigar and nod at people like you could buy them.

6. Love the Way You Lie by Eminem feat. Rihanna. Beating your wife=romantic. I am looking forward to 2011, when Eminem and Chris Brown will finally open their long awaited battered women’s shelter.

7. Whip My Hair by Willow Smith. This song is by a 10-year-old, and it’s about when you don’t want to clean your room. It’s also about inclusivity, b/cuz you can whip your hair back and forth, “don’t matter if it’s long, short. ” I noticed that Willow Smith’s hair is both long, and short.

8. Toot It and Boot It by YG. The plot of this song is that YG goes to the club and finds a fly girl, and he’s like, “Girl let me toot that boot that stop actin’ stupid.” And she’s like “What are you talking about? What does that even mean?” So she takes her iPhone into the bathroom, and she googles the lyrics to “Toot It and Boot It,” and then she’s like, “Oh, that is rude.”

9. How Low by Ludacris. This song asks a question older than rap music itself: How low can you go? The answer: “lower than yo mama’s ever seen in her lifetime.” Notable product placement in this song: Reese’s Pieces, and something called “butter-rican pecans.”

10.  Hello Good Morning by Diddy – Dirty Money feat T.I and Rick Ross. I think that Nicki Minaj might also be featured on this song. Also, my mom calls P.Diddy “P.Diddly.”

Please go to 1:34 to see Justin Bieber “swag walk.”

Snooze Patrol: The Internet

10 Dec

Today I’d like to  weigh in on a question that is important to freedom and Freedom Acts and whether or not we should have Netflix vs. Support our local DVD-only video store, and it is: “Sup With the Internet? and If So, Can It Be Stopped?”

Just brainstorming here, but the first positive thing I can say about the internet is that it invented a code that is indecipherable to the elderly, which is good for when we run out of healthcare for them and need to coordinate alternative plans. I guess as opposed to the dial-up version of that idea, which would be if you just stole their hearing aids and glasses.  I also frequently find the language barrier to be a “neg” in situations such as when adults read newspaper articles about sexting and ask you for your opinion, as a teen, and you start to explain that you don’t sext because you have an iPhone, and on iPhones it is called “Facetime” and then you are like OMG, I am talking irl about s-e-x @thiselderlyperson.

Another possible 😦 is that because of the internet nobody ever capitalizes anything, and if they do it is ALL CAPS so everyone seems like they are either sloppy or yelling, which creates the illusion of everyone being drunk. Let me tell you where is a bad place to spill beer: it is your keyboard. And let me tell you who is crazy about capitalizing things that are definitely not proper nouns: it is the Germans. Freebie term paper topic: “Is the Internet (internet?) making us less German, and if so are we guten or nein-guten about it?” That would be a great paper. And you would learn something in the process: The sign of a great paper. Also: “Great Signs, Great Papers: A Life in German.” or “Too Many Colons: My Life in Subtitles.” All free.

Above, please see the 2nd image that appears when you google “germans.” I am not joking, and I’m not going to unpack it at all. Which brings me to the biggest problem of the internet, im(h)o, which is that it is boring. I feel like the whole point of the internet is that you aren’t supposed to have to DO anything, but yet I am constantly clicking on things and asking people what is fun on the internet and nobody ever, ever, ever updates their Facebook often enough. It’s like, Hey, Internet, I am not trying to read a book here. I am not trying to take a permaculture course at my local community college. I am obviously still in my pajamas and it is your job to delight and amuse me regardless of the hour or day of the week or lack of pants, because you are a machine invented for that purpose, you dig? And yet.

Which brings me to my final question: Can It Be Stopped? Which I would answer, except that I was literally only making this blog to kill time while I illegally downloaded the second season of Deadwood, which nobody better tell me any spoilers about, though I am aware it was filmed during the Gold Rush or sump sump so prols everyone else has already seen it. Pls feel free to continue this conversation with one another, or use the comments section to share parts of the internet that are not boring.

Look, ya’ll! It’s Wild Bill Hickock, and his podnah Seth Sump Sump! They are gonna shoot someone and pan for gold!!!!

And here is the dastardly Al Swearington! His mustache and center part is brewin for a fight. I bet he’s more complex than he seems in episodes 1-4, revealing an essential part of his true nature by the end of Season 1:

Oh, rah.

Barack Obama: More or Less Popular

9 Sep

The other day, I posted on Facebook. As a professional blogger, I kind of pride myself on my social networking skills, and I like to think that I understand people. I try to post about moments from my life that are meaningful and aesthetically pleasing (aka “avocado moments”), or jokes from which my FB friends can get a few LOLs.

I checked back a lil later, to see how people were “like”-ing what I had to say:

It was a pretty good post: 6 of my FBFs felt positive about my status update, and one was even inspired to share an “avocado moment” from his own life.

I decided to see what my friend\leader Barack Obama was up to:

Now, I know that some people are all mad at the Barack Obama for ruining the economy and selling our healthcare to the Russians, but I would say that my main complaint is that his posts are not usually funny\it sort of seems like he doesn’t really write them.

Apparently, though, Barack Obama is actually more popular than me.  On this not very good post, he got 492 “likes” and 524 comments. He actually has 13 million Facebook friends.

I am actually thinking about un-friending him. Is that rude\will I get arrested? I just feel like Cabdiqanna Hassan has a good point — Obama might be “perfect man,” but mostly he has been a total snooze of a president. When will he “make true the promisees” of his campaign?

Pretty sure Barack Obama said that he was going to  veto war, and use the Air Force to deliver independent literary journals, but instead he is just like, frowning at things and pointing. He said he would plant cigarette trees, and sponsor an alcoholic energy drink called Barack O-BOMB-A, but instead he just goes jogging. He promised that he had an iPhone, but it turns out that he is a dad.

Some questions to consider:

How important to you is it that your President is an active Facebooker?

Do you “like” jokes about Keeping Portland Weird, or do you actually strive to keep portland weird? (Alternative question for non-Portland residents: When do you plan to move to Portland?)

Are the Obamas actually Jewish?

Which Coast Is Better: A Topic

30 Aug

The West Coast is the Best Coast. I don’t even need to back that up, because California Girls are undeniable. Portland girls are also undeniable, because what we lack in Daisy Dukes with bikinis on top, we make up for in composting. The Middle Coast is not even a coast. What’s left? The Coast of France? Trick question. French coast is not even really French, it’s just fancy.

I bring this up because I was looking at FB today, just checking out pictures of people who I do not know, which is what I do when I’m too wound up for my afternoon nap — also known as insomnia, a borderline serious condish. Also, “FB” stands for “Facebook.” (My mom reads my blog sometimes.) I came across this picture of some East Coast equivalents of myself and my peers, settling down for a chilled out birthday session:

The picture gave me a kind of oh-uh feeling, like something fundamental and cosmic was downloading incorrectly, or like I had all of the “bit pieces” of a Torrent in my Transmission App, but something was stopping me from watching the complete first season of Golden Girls on VLC. “OK, fine,” I thought. “They all have nice glasses. Whatever.” And then I was like, “Maybe I just feel weird because none of them are wearing their pajamas.” And THEN I was like, “Is that cake not gluten-free?”

As you can see here, we chill a little bit differently on the West Coast. We hang out on hay bales, instead of apartments, drinking coconut water instead of beer and exhibiting terrible posture. Some of us have made bad fashion decisions for the day\week, or are having permanent issues with our bangs, but on the plus side, our daytime gatherings are really well attended because none of us have jobs.

I will never move to the Easter Coast, because I’m too busy pursuing a Life of the Heady Mind to remain physically “passable” even by the way-lower standards of the Pacific Northwest, and because I’m scared of the subway, but I’m curious about peers who have made the transition. How did you adapt your style\hairstyle? Which coast have you found it easier to get L’d on?



Not Job=Nut Job: a post that is not about squirrels

27 May

Who has seen Reality Bites? It is a true documentary about the youth of our times and their post-coll’y struggles. And right now, guys, it is about me and my life. I am like desolate. Overeducated and underemployed, you know? The recession. Tea parties. Obama-rama.

For awhile I was like, I will just blog my way into getting a job. And then I was like, I am bored of this blog. And THEN I was like, I should blog about that.

So here is what we are learning Horse Facts about today: What should I do for a job now that there aren’t really any jobs? I did a quick search of Google to determine the career paths available to me, as modeled by Barbie because I have a hard time paying attention if there are unattractive people\dolls involved:

From top right: Ginger haired college grad; 70s Quaaludes mom; space cowgirl; SARS victim; Olympic something; Cyndi Lauper impersonator; terrorist; McDonald’s employee\Michael Jackson reference??

According to Wikipedia, Barbie has also been a Spanish teacher, a paleontologist, and an Ambassador for World Peace. Discussion topic: Do you ever think that Barbie got some of these jobs unfairly, because she conforms to\is often credited for creating our society’s stereotypes re: gender\unrealistic height-weight proportions\perky attitude?

Here is me modeling the last real job I had, which was baking things while ignoring a lot of different health codes regarding grooming:

Wups, I feel like this is getting off-top. I looked on YouTubes for a version of the Offspring’s coming-of-age anthem about this, but they’ve disabled the “embed” feature. Luckily this Japanese cover uncannily captures the spirit, if not the actual lyrics: