Dear Faithful Fact Finders (FFF),
Starting today, your pal Midge will be blogging at the new site, Hire Me Wieden + Kennedy, indefinitely, until I get a job there or somebody serves me with a cease and desist.
Picture of animal cruelty to tide you over:
“Txt yr friends”
Midge
Although many people have told me that I could easily pass for a tween, not only because of my limited vocabulary but also my unrelated-to-pregnancy glow, the Horse Fact of it is is that the seasons certainly do turn, aka: One can’t stay young forever.
But if there’s anything I learned from Avatar\The Little Mermaid\Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, it’s that there’s no reason to follow your destiny if a more appealing destiny is available. For example, if you type “indian” “middle-aged” and “woman,” into Google, this picture comes up:
Isn’t that nice? Apparently when women get “mature” in India, they just throw a big wrapper over the whole thing, toss on a tasteful gold necklace, and call it a day. Bet she’s not “sari” about aging, right?
I typed in “iranian middle aged woman,” expecting like, a zany purple burka or something. But the first hit was this:
I mean, wow. Um, okay. Is it okay to put this picture in my blog? Like, okay with the authorities? I guess it’s fine because I’m an investigative journalist. I’m not sure I could pull this outfit off in middle-age. But I could sure pull that outfit off of her, right guys? We should like, bomb their country, or something.
Luckily, as a search for “British middle-aged birds” revealed, USA is still #1 when it comes to comparisons between only the USA and Britain:
I don’t even know what’s happening here, but it’s definitely making me feel better about my future. For one, I will definitely have quit cigarettes once and for all by the time I’m wearing zebra stripes, and I have never owned a track jacket that literally points at my boobs.
I didn’t do any further Google image searching, mainly out of concern that I’m incapable of discussing other cultures without saying something wack\making a dad joke. I am considering sending this topic to World Have Your Say; would love to let Ros Atkins really sink his teeth in.
What about you guys? What cultural\ethnic changes are you planning to make as you enter the next “phase of life”?
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I would like to recommend that anyone approaching their 80s consider becoming whatever this woman is:
“How I slept last night, temperature-wise”: For example, last night how I slept was kind of weird. I was really really cold as I was falling asleep, and I kept like gathering the folds of my blankets underneath my feet, to maybe trap the warm air (?) but it wasn’t working, so I actually put on socks and a sweater, which usually I think is gross. It helped A LOT, and I fell right asleep even though I was in a weird position. BUT THEN I woke up in the middle of the night all stuffy, and I was like, “UCH, SOCKS!!!” and I used each foot to pull each sock off of the opposite foot, which was difficult. I slept okay, temperature-wise, after that.
“Things\People in My Life that I Dislike”: Self-explanatory. Mean?
“BBC News, From Memory”: A blog about what I remember from the BBC News that I kind of half-listened to while I was at work, about a week ago. This blog would be geared toward people with elderly relatives who need small talking topics. Like I kind of remember from last week that Ethiopia has some kind of wack, violent eating disorder where even though everyody raised a bunch of money so that the Ethiopian leaders could do some communal grocery shopping, it’s come to “lite” that the Ethiopians just used the money to buy guns. Also, there wasn’t enough snow in Canada for the Olympics, so the Olympians collected snow from other places and moved it. And then it melted.
“Everybody should speak up, because I can’t hear very well”: This would be a kind of public service announcement blog, about how I can’t hear very well so everybody should speak more loudly and clearly. Also people should wear name tags, because sometimes I have a hard time remembering names, and the name tags could maybe also have a brief summary of how we met and how drunk I was the last time that you saw me, and whether I should be embarrassed, in your opinion.
“Midgelist”: This would be a blog like Craigslist, except that people would only post possible job opportunities for me. Also, you could post about free stuff, or stuff that costs money, that you think I might like. Or if you missed a connection with me, you could post it to the “Missed Connections” section of Midgelist and I would know right away, or act like I didn’t see it if I thought you were creepy.
“My Dream Journal Blog”: A very boring blog about dreams that I had, except it wouldn’t be boring for me, and I would start to remember my dreams more vividly, as a bonus.
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Please comment with your preference between these blogs, or indicate “none of the above” if it’s too difficult to choose between them. For those of you not “in the know” I recently am almost a graduate of graduate school, so I will have 48 hours a day to devote to my main passions (online shopping; locating individual split ends and biting them off, and sometimes taking pictures of them for Lena if they’re really good ones; and blogging).
Also if I have any of your phone numbers, I advise that you switch to an ULMTD TXT MSGS plan, or things could start getting expensive for you.
“All the Horse Facts Fit for Company”
-Midge
As 30-somethings have become the new 20-somethings, and 20-somethings have become the new awkward tweens, so too have tweens become the new Age We’re All Going For, aka the “Target Age.” They have really low body fat, in general, and they are able to maintain very casual attitudes because they are always allowing for the possibility during times of adversity that they are actually just being “punked.”
A general skim of some things on the internet tells me that tweens take “study drugs” in order to be productive. Rather than sneaking off to smoke weed-pot or accidentally get pregnant, current tweens reject drugs that make them stupid in favor of drugs that make them smart.
In the name of tween research, I decided to “8” one half of an Adderall, a popular study drug. Because I am elderly, it was a real “shock to my system” and I ended up mentally copyediting the lyrics to “Sexy Bitch feat. Akon by David Guetta” until 5 in the morning, and then sleeping 18+ hours the next day, while tweens ’round the globe spent 24 consecutive hours cataloging their entire wardrobes for lookbook.nu and planning all-ages experimental multi-media experience parties via gChats with their 900+ Facebook friends.
Thanks to drugs, tweens are able to maintain social networking presences at a level that my sub-generation had to create “indie music\sensibilities” in order to credibly avoid.
Here is a video of some fairly wack tweens with middle-parts\outdated bangs being analyzed by a therapist. I’m a little confused by the style choices some of these tweens are making, so I’m assuming they are Midwestern or Pennsylvania Dutch:
I do relate to these tweens on a few various levels. As I often blog about, I have found that even at my advanced, post-undergraduate age, I sometimes face peer pressure or am given a bad haircut by my mom, which I don’t even realize is bad because I am only a tween. I also have never had a boyfriend as the result of “waiting until highschool,” which clearly translates to “never get asked out because of my headband.”
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P.S. Remember that documentary Streetwise that was retroactively sponsored by Vice Magazine\American Apparel through visual reference? Now those were tweens I could aspire to become more similar to, despite their dubious professional lives:
Hey guys,
Sorry I have been such a “nonblog” lately, but I had to turn a computer file in to my school, and that meant I had to use a computer, and things got pretty hairy, because I’m an idiot. Not like, “Oh, I am just way too into my earth-toned lifestyle to use a computer, I prefer typewriters and avocados, thanks”; more of a like “I’m an idiot, it’s unfortunate that even if I don’t have any children, my brother probably will, therefore potentially passing down recessive genes that effect only me, at the moment, with idiocy” kind of thing. Ask Jim at Kinkos.
So I’ll be gone until this weekend, at school. It’s complicated. Plz check out my competitor’s blog, the Other Horse Facts. It’s maybe even more boring than my blog right now.
Txt yr friends,
Midge
My roommates are cramping my style. They impose weird rules on my life, and they sometimes have really high expectations of what kind of person I am\where I do\don’t pee.
I feel like Snoop Dogg would be a good roommate for me because I’m interested in joining a community of people who are more open-minded, and don’t leave notes. I would spend the rest of my days peeing wherever I feel like, including on beautiful women\probably on Snoop Dogg, if I wanted. I would be willing to become Snoop, if that were possible through modern technology, but if not, I would like to become friends-with-benefits with him. Snoop smokes the most weed, maybe even more than Lil Wayne, and he loves the same movies as me.
The girl wanna do it, I just might do it
Here to walk wit some pimp-pimp fluid
Mommy don’t worry, I won’t abuse it
Hurry up and finish so we can watch “Clueless”-Snoop Dogg, “Beautiful”
Actually pretty “siked” on this idea. Snoop Dogg is slightly too old for me but I would definitely enjoy smoking weed, “walking wit” his “pimp-pimp fluid,” and then watching Clueless at his crib.
Found this video of his house:
Even beyond the whole drama with my current roommates, I pay like $450 a month in rent right now, and I’m pretty sure that if you live at Snoop’s house the rent is free. This could be a good move for the future\after I graduate. What are your guys’s thoughts?
(Related subject: I am looking for a job. Career as manager of cat band=didn’t take off. Please comment with job opps. Thanx.)
You guys might remember my recent blog post about adopting a human child, with my roommates. As like a fun activity for weekend nights when nothing that great is happening, or like, when we came home from school it would be waiting for us and wagging its tail or whatever.
Well, simila’ to a lot of our other cool project ideas, like turning our house into a non-profit for tax purposes, or renting our attic out to squirrels as like an artist residency, the adoption thing never really got off the ground. This was OK by me, because my life is already pretty hectic and as you may remember I was concerned about getting a squishy one\accidentally adopting a placenta instead of the actual baby.
Then I saw this:
O. M. G.
Whoever made this ad is seriously a genius because seeing it made me really really want to buy a baby again. If pressed I would say that my favorite baby\the one that would look best with my stuff is the Mongolian one. My only worry is that after this ad it will sell out really quickly and I’ll have to get a different nationality of baby. They should also make the ordering information\pricing more clear.
The weird thing is that the babies are clearly targeting my exact demographic, which makes me feel like maybe my information on FB is being sold to corporations\babies who are trying to sell me things\come live in my house for 18+ years. Is this a potential violation of my right to privacy as an internet presence\consumer? This could also potentially mean that people who are less on the ball about trends have also been alerted about the Baby Craze.
If you do decide to buy one (still haven’t made my mind up, honestly. considering skipping it and starting some kind of “neu-baby” or “low-fi-baby” wave involving cabbage patch dolls), here’s some instructional videos:
How to hold your baby:
How to make your baby marketable on the internet:
How to make a cake for your baby (this kind of cake is also labeled “Holiday Happiness Cake”…Apparently I have a lot to learn, lingo wise, about being a great parent.)
Remember that song by Aaliyah before she died on an airplane that had the baby crying in the background?
If I let this goyou can’t tell nobody
I’m talking bout nobody
I hope you responsible?Boy I gotta watch my body
I’m not just anybody
Is it my go, Is it your go
Sometimes I’m goody goody
Right now I’m naughty naughtySay yes or say no
Cause I really need somebody (uh)
Tell me are you that somebody (uh)-Aaliyah (R.I.P.)
