Tag Archives: Horse Facts

Barack Obama: More or Less Popular

9 Sep

The other day, I posted on Facebook. As a professional blogger, I kind of pride myself on my social networking skills, and I like to think that I understand people. I try to post about moments from my life that are meaningful and aesthetically pleasing (aka “avocado moments”), or jokes from which my FB friends can get a few LOLs.

I checked back a lil later, to see how people were “like”-ing what I had to say:

It was a pretty good post: 6 of my FBFs felt positive about my status update, and one was even inspired to share an “avocado moment” from his own life.

I decided to see what my friend\leader Barack Obama was up to:

Now, I know that some people are all mad at the Barack Obama for ruining the economy and selling our healthcare to the Russians, but I would say that my main complaint is that his posts are not usually funny\it sort of seems like he doesn’t really write them.

Apparently, though, Barack Obama is actually more popular than me.  On this not very good post, he got 492 “likes” and 524 comments. He actually has 13 million Facebook friends.

I am actually thinking about un-friending him. Is that rude\will I get arrested? I just feel like Cabdiqanna Hassan has a good point — Obama might be “perfect man,” but mostly he has been a total snooze of a president. When will he “make true the promisees” of his campaign?

Pretty sure Barack Obama said that he was going to  veto war, and use the Air Force to deliver independent literary journals, but instead he is just like, frowning at things and pointing. He said he would plant cigarette trees, and sponsor an alcoholic energy drink called Barack O-BOMB-A, but instead he just goes jogging. He promised that he had an iPhone, but it turns out that he is a dad.

Some questions to consider:

How important to you is it that your President is an active Facebooker?

Do you “like” jokes about Keeping Portland Weird, or do you actually strive to keep portland weird? (Alternative question for non-Portland residents: When do you plan to move to Portland?)

Are the Obamas actually Jewish?

Advertisements

Cross Cultural Studies: the Elderly

22 Mar

Although many people have told me that I could easily pass for a tween, not only because of my limited vocabulary but also my unrelated-to-pregnancy glow, the Horse Fact of it is is that the seasons certainly do turn, aka: One can’t stay young forever.

The problem is that in my culture, when women graduate to the “contempo casual corner” section of Nordies, they are forced to get the hairstyle of Jamie Lee Curtis (to signify their lack of fertility to society), purchase some zany\purple accessories (same reason), and pretty much give up on making friends (with or without “bennies”) for superficial reasons.
*
*
Which is not what I have in mind for myself, post career as a fairy princess/cancer doctor (haven’t decided which).
*

But if there’s anything I learned from Avatar\The Little Mermaid\Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, it’s that there’s no reason to follow your destiny if a more appealing destiny is available. For example, if you type “indian” “middle-aged” and  “woman,” into Google, this picture comes up:

Isn’t that nice? Apparently when women get “mature” in India, they just throw a big wrapper over the whole thing, toss on a tasteful gold necklace, and call it a day. Bet she’s not “sari” about aging, right?

I typed in “iranian middle aged woman,” expecting like, a zany purple burka or something. But the first hit was this:

I mean, wow. Um, okay. Is it okay to put this picture in my blog? Like, okay with the authorities? I guess it’s fine because I’m an investigative journalist. I’m not sure I could pull this outfit off in middle-age. But I could sure pull that outfit off of her, right guys? We should like, bomb their country, or something.

Luckily, as a search for “British middle-aged birds” revealed, USA is still #1 when it comes to comparisons between only the USA and Britain:

I don’t even know what’s happening here, but it’s definitely making me feel better about my future. For one, I will definitely have quit cigarettes once and for all by the time I’m wearing zebra stripes, and I have never owned a track jacket that literally points at my boobs.

I didn’t do any further Google image searching, mainly out of concern that I’m incapable of discussing other cultures without saying something wack\making a dad joke. I am considering sending this topic to World Have Your Say; would love to let Ros Atkins really sink his teeth in.

What about you guys? What cultural\ethnic changes are you planning to make as you enter the next “phase of life”?

*

I would like to recommend that anyone approaching their 80s consider becoming whatever this woman is:

Some Potential Blogs I Was Thinking of Starting, Rather than Continuing This One

10 Mar

“How I slept last night, temperature-wise”: For example, last night how I slept was kind of weird. I was really really cold as I was falling asleep, and I kept like gathering the folds of my blankets underneath my feet, to maybe trap the warm air (?) but it wasn’t working, so I actually put on socks and a sweater, which usually I think is gross. It helped A LOT, and I fell right asleep even though I was in a weird position. BUT THEN I woke up in the middle of the night all stuffy, and I was like, “UCH, SOCKS!!!” and I used each foot to pull each sock off of the opposite foot, which was difficult. I slept okay, temperature-wise, after that.

“Things\People in My Life that  I Dislike”: Self-explanatory. Mean?

“BBC News, From Memory”: A blog about what I remember from the BBC News that I kind of half-listened to while I was at work, about a week ago. This blog would be geared toward people with elderly relatives who need small talking topics. Like I kind of remember from last week that Ethiopia has some kind of wack, violent eating disorder where even though everyody raised a bunch of money so that the Ethiopian leaders could do some communal grocery shopping, it’s come to “lite” that the Ethiopians just used the money to buy guns. Also, there wasn’t enough snow in Canada for the Olympics, so the Olympians collected snow from other places and moved it. And then it melted.

“Everybody should speak up, because I can’t hear very well”: This would be a kind of public service announcement blog, about how I can’t hear very well so everybody should speak more loudly and clearly. Also people should wear name tags, because sometimes I have a hard time remembering names, and the name tags could maybe also have a brief summary of how we met and how drunk I was the last time that you saw me, and whether I should be embarrassed, in your opinion.

“Midgelist”: This would be a blog like Craigslist, except that people would only post possible job opportunities for me. Also, you could post about free stuff, or stuff that costs money, that you think I might like. Or if you missed a connection with me, you could post it to the “Missed Connections” section of Midgelist and I would know right away, or act like I didn’t see it if I thought you were creepy.

“My Dream Journal Blog”: A very boring blog about dreams that I had, except it wouldn’t be boring for me, and I would start to remember my dreams more vividly, as a bonus.

.


Please comment with your preference between these blogs, or indicate “none of the above” if it’s too difficult to choose between them.  For those of you not “in the know” I recently am almost a graduate of graduate school, so I will have 48 hours a day to devote to my main passions (online shopping; locating individual split ends and biting them off, and sometimes taking pictures of them for Lena if they’re really good ones; and blogging).

Also if I have any of your phone numbers, I advise that you switch to an ULMTD TXT MSGS plan, or things could start getting expensive for you.

“All the Horse Facts Fit for Company”

-Midge

Tweens: Literally are the Future

8 Feb

As 30-somethings have become the new 20-somethings, and 20-somethings have become the new awkward tweens, so too have tweens become the new Age We’re All Going For, aka the “Target Age.” They have really low body fat, in general, and they are able to maintain very casual attitudes because they are always allowing for the possibility during times of adversity that they are actually just being “punked.”

A general skim of some things on the internet tells me that tweens take “study drugs” in order to be productive. Rather than sneaking off to smoke weed-pot or accidentally get pregnant, current tweens reject drugs that make them stupid in favor of drugs that make them smart.


In the name of tween research, I decided to “8” one half of an Adderall, a popular study drug. Because I am elderly, it was a real “shock to my system” and I ended up mentally copyediting the lyrics to “Sexy Bitch feat. Akon by David Guetta” until 5 in the morning, and then sleeping 18+ hours the next day, while tweens ’round the globe spent 24 consecutive hours cataloging their entire wardrobes for lookbook.nu and planning all-ages experimental multi-media experience parties via gChats with their 900+ Facebook friends.

Thanks to drugs, tweens are able to maintain social networking presences at a level that my sub-generation had to create “indie music\sensibilities” in order to credibly avoid.

Here is a video of some fairly wack tweens with middle-parts\outdated bangs being analyzed by a therapist. I’m a little confused by the style choices some of these tweens are making, so I’m assuming they are Midwestern or Pennsylvania Dutch:

I do relate to these tweens on a few various levels. As I often blog about, I have found that even at my advanced, post-undergraduate age, I sometimes face peer pressure or am given a bad haircut by my mom, which I don’t even realize is bad because I am only a tween. I also have never had a boyfriend as the result of “waiting until highschool,” which clearly translates to “never get asked out because of my headband.”

.

.

P.S. Remember that documentary Streetwise that was retroactively sponsored by Vice Magazine\American Apparel through visual reference? Now those were tweens I could aspire to become more similar to, despite their dubious professional lives:

Trend Spotting: Babies

16 Jan

You guys might remember my recent blog post about adopting a human child, with my roommates. As like a fun activity for weekend nights when nothing that great is happening, or like, when we came home from school it would be waiting for us and wagging its tail or whatever.

Well, simila’ to a lot of our other cool project ideas, like turning our house into a non-profit for tax purposes, or renting our attic out to squirrels as like an artist residency, the adoption thing never really got off the ground. This was OK by me,  because my life is already pretty hectic and as you may remember I was concerned about getting a squishy one\accidentally adopting a placenta instead of the actual baby.

Then I saw this:

O. M. G.

Whoever made this ad is seriously a genius because seeing it made me really really want to buy a baby again. If pressed I would say that my favorite baby\the one that would look best with my stuff is the Mongolian one. My only worry is that after this ad it will sell out really quickly and I’ll have to get a different nationality of baby. They should also make the ordering information\pricing more clear.

The weird thing is that the babies are clearly targeting my exact demographic, which makes me feel like maybe my information on FB is being sold to corporations\babies who are trying to sell me things\come live in my house for 18+ years. Is this a potential violation of my right to privacy as an internet presence\consumer? This could also potentially mean that people who are less on the ball about trends have also been alerted about the Baby Craze.

If you do decide to buy one (still haven’t made my mind up, honestly. considering skipping it and starting some kind of “neu-baby” or “low-fi-baby” wave involving cabbage patch dolls), here’s some instructional videos:

How to hold your baby:

How to make your baby marketable on the internet:

How to make a cake for your baby (this kind of cake is also labeled “Holiday Happiness Cake”…Apparently I have a lot to learn, lingo wise, about being a great parent.)

Remember that song by Aaliyah before she died on an airplane that had the baby crying in the background?

If I let this go

you can’t tell nobody
I’m talking bout nobody
I hope you responsible?

Boy I gotta watch my body
I’m not just anybody
Is it my go, Is it your go
Sometimes I’m goody goody
Right now I’m naughty naughty

Say yes or say no
Cause I really need somebody (uh)
Tell me are you that somebody (uh)

-Aaliyah (R.I.P.)

Poetry from 4th Grade, Analysed

12 Jan

It’s weird how sometimes I will just be so wrapped up in my own little scene of ecological stewardship and attention to anthropologically interesting developments in other nations as reported by people of similar socio-economic backgrounds to me, and generally Bettering myself\others in so many ways that it’s rude to talk about, because of jealousy in others, and so I just keep it all inside where no one can compliment me as much as I deserve.

And then I come to see that I have been truly hiding my light ‘neath a bushel, just like the Bible pretty specifically advises against.

With that in mind, I would like to share some poetry that I wrote in 4th grade, which has recently resurfaced.* I’m not totally sure what to make\feel about these poems, but my intuition is that they mean something significant about my Then Future\but Now Present.

Poem #1:

Understand Me

Look in my eyes
See the real me
Sit down and converse
Drink some more tea
You’d understand me
If you’d only try
Someday I’ll leave you
And someday I’ll die.

Analysis: I think that this is a sort of clairvoyant “vision” from my younger self. The reference to the Converse in line 3, and tea drinking in the following, clearly point to phases in my later self-identity; the Chucks represent my punk phase, the tea my avocado-dreadlocks-Dr.Bronners-feminist meditation phase. I had to pause and have a moment after I read the in-your-face ending — truly fearless.

Poem #2:

Life

Life is like a tunnel
A tunnel without an end
You’ve got to keep on moving
And love and help and mend
You’ve got to not give up
Until you reach your light
You’ve got to keep the pace
Every day
And every night.
You’ve got to face the facts
And stand up for your rights
‘Cause you’ve got to keep on going
Until you reach your light.

Analysis: I don’t think this is a very good poem. There’s too much going on, and I think that the choice to capitalize the first letters in each line is not a choice usually seen in normal poetry. Also questioning the “Cause” instead of the more standard “cuz” or “becuz”…Can’t remember whether I was political in 4th grade, but I’m definitely getting a vibe like I had no idea what I was talking about, not really appropriate for 4th grade in the 90s. I honestly have no real memory of writing this…Do 4th graders have Ghost Writers?

I did a quick Google to see if I had possibly plagiarized this poem, but the closest thing I could find was this picture:

Guess it was legit. I would like to invite readers to either a) share critical analyses of these poems, or b)post your own poetry from elementary school which I will attempt to critique.

*Thanks for holding onto these, Rich.

Sex Pants: Dating Metaphors for the New Millennium

8 Jan

Between 1 and 99 percent of my blog traffic/the conversations that I have with my peers concern pants and how to get into them, and it’s not because so many Americans have recently experienced weight gain and are having a hard time fitting into clothes which formerly fit fine.

The fact is, most contemporary people aren’t satisfied to just wear their own pants all the time. They want, sometimes, to be in someone else’s pants. They want to get in someone else’s pants. What I’m trying to say here is S-E-X. Pants.

Sex Pants.

I found this picture of a raccoon in someone’s pants. Here’s a fact: Don’t have S-E-X with a raccoon. They are nocturnal and will eat your chickens.

Here’s how to get into pants of your own species. WARNING: THESE ARE 100% GUARANTEED HINTS. DO NOT USE THESE HINTS IF YOU HAVE ONLY CONDOMS THAT ARE EXPIRED/YOU HAVE NOT BEEN UPDATING YOUR RHYTHM METHOD CHART.

1. Go to a bar with a small group of friends who identify as the same gender as you and have similar tastes in dudes/ladies. They should also be hotter than you, to ensure that you will score a dude/lady who is into brains, not brawn. Avoid eye contact with other people, especially people who might be attractive. This is key. No. Eye. Contact.

2. Wear sweatpants as much as possible. See Strategy #1, but also it’s good to be comfy and confident if and when you do encounter a specimen of your preferred gender pronoun. Plus if you sleep over you won’t have to bring a change of PJs, which can seem presumptuous if the deal hasn’t totally been sealed yet.

3. Get a Netflix account.

4. Social networking. Seriously, guys. This is the new millennium, and if you are not dating via social networking tools, you are basically still using AOL to write your grandparents letters about your day at school that they will never read because it’s the 90s and they don’t allow Internet in nursing homes. The more active you are on FB, ‘Space, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc., the more appealing you are to potential mates. This is your opportunity to shine, except that unlike real life, you can just automatically screen out the negative comments.

I invite you to consider today Day 1 of your new pants shopping spree, with a potential guaranteed  perfect fit in 30 days or less if you follow my advice. Please feel free to comment with descriptions of your new Sex Pants, as you acquire them.

Sex Pants: Get In.